Decode
by Jameson Rook
Summary: "What about you? You think I'm a bad guy?" Javier snarled, his hands tightening around Kevin's throat tightly. Kevin bit back a wince as he tried to squirm out of Javier's hands. His partner's fingers tightened even further, his nails biting the soft flesh of Kevin's neck as he leaned in close enough for Ryan to smell the lingering aroma of tequila on his breath. "I am a bad guy."


_**Disclaimer: Castle and all of its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe, Terri Edda Miller, and ABC Studio Productions. "Decode" belongs to Paramore. **_

_** Fair warning, this is the product of copious amounts of Pinot Noir, not enough carbohydrates to soak up the alcohol, and too much time on my hands. So, if this idea is totally out there, I claim no responsibility for the insanity that my brain has produced when I left it unsupervised. **_

**The truth is hanging in your eyes,**

**And it's hanging on your tongue,**

**Just boiling in my blood.**

**But you think that I can see **

**What kind of man that you are,**

**If you're a man at all.**

**Well, I will figure this one out,**

**On my own.**

**(I'm screaming "I love you so")**

**On my own.**

**(My thoughts you can't decode.)**

**How did we get here?**

**I used to know you so well.**

**How did we get here?**

**Well, I think I know.**

It was deathly silent as Kevin shuffled out into the kitchen, his eyes clouded with sleep. An insatiable thirst had shaken him awake from his slumber, but it was the cool sheets beside him that had him stumbling through the apartment in the dark. Javier not being there when he woke up wasn't something new, it was a common occurance. But there was something that made him feel uneasy about the way that his partner was perched on the edge of the counter top with his hands laced in front of him and his eyes distant and cold.

"Javi?" He croaked, his voice quiet as if it would startle the other man. Javier didn't respond. He simply stared straight ahead, his heels clanking against the cupboard. Kevin stepped closer until he was directly in Javier's line of vision. "Are you okay?" Javier blinked a couple of times before he seemed to focus on Kevin's face. Kevin took a chance and stepped between Javier's legs, his fingers splaying out on the other man's thighs.

"I'm fine." Javier whispered, his voice pained. Kevin ducked his head to meet Javier's eyes again when his partner lowered his chin to his chest.

"What are you doing up? Nightmares again?" Javier's silence was enough of an answer for him. Since the shooting that had occured in the precinct a few months before, Javier had been staying at Kevin's apartment. Neither of them wanted to sleep on the couch that first night, so they had both ended up sharing his bed. They hadn't spoken about how it wasn't something that most men, NYPD partners or not, would do. They had just allowed it to happen.

It wasn't long after the first night that the nightmares had started. Kevin had woken to find the bed empty, and he'd heard the quiet mumblings from the living room. He'd found Javier sitting in the middle of the living room, his fingers tapping on the hardwood floor quietly.

He'd told Kevin that the nightmares always started out with them in the precinct, arguing with Castle over who had a better goalie, the New York Rangers or the Boston Bruins. That was where things went haywire, and Javier found himself staring down the barrel of his service weapon as a murder suspect held a gun to his partner's head. His hands were shaking as he pulled the trigger and dropped the suspect. Blood had spattered across the ivory skin of Kevin's face. Truth be told, _he_ should have been the one having the nightmares, not Javier.

Sure, he'd had more than one night where he'd woken with a startled gasp, but other than that, he was doing okay. It had been Javier that had broken down into tears when he showed up at Kevin's door that night, drenched with icy rain water and dropped to his knees in the middle of his living room.

"You know, Javi, you need to let it go." Kevin whispered, reaching out and helping Javier off of the counter. He took a reflexive step backwards when Javier took one closer to him. Javier leveled a hard glare at him.

"You afraid of me, Kev?" His voice was nothing about a low growl.

"No, I just think that you're beating yourself up about the shooting at the precinct. I know Gates put you on administrative leave, but they're going to sort the whole thing out before you know it. The IA guys are looking over the circumstances, but we both know you had no choice. No one else at the precinct thinks you're a bad guy because of it." Kevin would never say that he was _afraid_ of his partner. They were best friends. They were bros. However, he was not prepared for when Javier's hands shot out and closed around his throat, backing his body up until he hit the cold, brushed steel of the fridge.

"What about you? You think I'm a bad guy?" Javier snarled, his hands tightening around Kevin's throat tightly. Kevin bit back a wince as he tried to squirm out of Javier's hands. His partner's fingers tightened even further, his nails biting into the soft flesh of Kevin's neck as he leaned in close enough for Ryan to smell the lingering aroma of coffee mixed with tequila on his breath. "I _am_ a bad guy." Kevin's muscles quivered as he stared into deep, mocha eyes. "Don't try to fight it, Kevin. You're always so...optimistic. It's sickening. Where's your optimism now, Kevin?! HUH?! WHERE IS IT?!" Droplets of warm saliva hit Kevin's face as Javier screamed and slammed the back of his head against the fridge hard enough to draw blood at the back of his skull. This angry, rage-stricken Javier was new...

"I n-never said that you were a bad g-guy, Javi." He gasped, his fingers moving up to try to pull Javier's hands away from his throat. The edges of his vision were starting to blur when Javier seemed to realize what he was doing, his face paling as he dropped his hands to his sides and his eyes opened wide.

Kevin coughed a couple of times as he tried to recirculate the air through his lungs, his chest heaving. He couldn't hide the flinch when Javier reached out to run his fingers over the bruising outlines of his fingers on pasty skin.

"Oh God, Kev..." He whispered, tears brimming in his eyes before spilling over his tanned cheeks. He backed away from Kevin quickly until he reached the counter top and slid down to the floor. He tucked his knees up to his chest as silent sobs wracked his body. Kevin didn't hesitate to go to his side and pull him into a tight hug.

"It's okay, Javier. It's okay." He whispered into the crook of Javier's neck. He felt his partner shaking his head.

"It's not okay." Javier pulled away and staggered to his feet. "There's something _seriously_ wrong with me, Kev. I need help. I was choking you, for fuck's sake. People don't just choke their partner and move on like nothing ever happened. I can't..." He sighed and ran his hand over his hair before continuing. "I care too much about you to put you through this."

"What are you saying?" Kevin questioned, anxiety curling in the pit of his stomach as he also stood and faced Javier.

"I'm saying that I need to go somewhere that I can get some help through this." He stared back at Kevin with such raw vulnerability and anguish that Kevin was pretty sure the cracking of his own heart at the sight was audible. "When I came back from my first stint in the service, I was pretty messed up. I went to a rehab center in the country side. They really helped me. I think that I need to go talk to them again."

"How long will you be gone?"

"For as long as it takes to make me better. I'm not going to put you in danger, Kevin." He took a hesitant step closer, testing the waters. When Kevin remained rooted in his spot, he closed the gap even further until they were half of a breath away from each other. "I _can't_ hurt you again." He whispered and leaned forward, pausing a moment before laying his rough lips against Kevin's.

If you were to ask Kevin Ryan today, he would have told you that their entire partnership was really a means to an end. They had spent years and years tumbling towards the end game that had transpired that night in his apartment. He let out a short whimper and attempted to pull him closer.

Javier broke away and stepped back all together as abruptly as he had initiated the kiss. Kevin stared after him, his mouth hanging open in shock as Javier moved back towards the door.

"I need to go." Javier whispered, his jaw set tightly.

"Javier, it's the middle of the night..." Kevin whimpered, his face twisting sadly.

"If I don't leave now, I never will." He replied and opened the door before stepping into the hallway. "I'll text you when I get there." He shut the door before Kevin had a chance to respond, leaving the man standing there, staring at his closed door with the unspoken confession of 'I love you' hovering on the tip of his tongue like a rattlesnake's venom licking through his veins.

For the first time since they had met in 1999 when they were both still green and fresh out of the academy working the beat on twenty-third street, Kevin Ryan had no idea where his partner was going or when he would see him again. And he had never been more terrified in his life.

_**Thoughts? Drop me a review and let me know.**_

_** Much love,**_

_** J. Rook**_


End file.
